Shittt, shitt shit, shit, shit shit!!! I am so fucking losing my miind!!! I thought that learning about philosophy, the meaning of life and what it means to choose happiness would give me a sense of direction in life but damn, It's like i was where I was before, I didn't move forward in life, I just became more insensitive and confused.
What is really reality? Is happiness really a choice?
Everyday I tried telling myself, ' Your alive! Be happy! The fact that your experiencing life should be enough! '. For a time the thought kept me going, it made me smile at all the little things that I saw. But still I knew even though smiling, that I wasn't feeling at all satisfied, It was like I was forcing myself to be happy but at the same time I wasn't. I laughed at the jokes that other's told, the laugh 50% genuine and 50% fake. It was like I was just gliding through the busy crowds, the noisy streets, the laughter of all the people around me. I didn't feel alive, I felt nothing. I tried understanding why people are the way they are, tried to know the do's and don'ts of society. Yet still I'm left confused.
Damn it! I know the answer to that question but i feel as though it's something so hard to reach and achieve, that I feel like giving up moving towards it. I know pain and suffering are only temporary(Or perhaps even just in your head, and that your the only one with the problem) and that it gives you experience, but shit, just bullshit!
Is pain and suffering an Essential in living? why did it have to be so hard.
Everyday,even though I'm with a crowd of people, I'd still feel lonely, they laughing in their own merry world while I'm merely just observing the shit they do.
Man, I seriously need to stop being so Anti-social. But I'm scared, I don't want to talk to people if I'm just forcing words to come out of my mouth, It'll just make me uncomfortable and would probably be just as well with the person that I'm talking to.
*sighs* shit, just shit.
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